A Ton of Grace in One Simple Sentence




Our little piece of heaven---taking care of Eden after she was born

 
In the delivery room just minutes before Eden was born, I had a passing thought that something could be wrong with her. Throughout the previous month as we anticipated her arrival, the only thing I thought may go 'wrong' would be the adoption itself. No matter how confident you feel, there's always that fear, especially if it's happened to you already. A failed adoption. This time seemed different. We had met her birthmom and gone to four doctor appointments with her, even to one sonogram. She had given us a sonogram picture (from an earlier one) in a frame she chose for us at the first dr appt we went to with her. It was a magical moment I couldn't have scripted myself!

Our birthmom chose us from our profile, and her mom and three best friends chose us, too. She was adamant that we become her baby's parents. Really, it seemed too good to be true. The hospital plan was a dream, with her choosing me to hold Eden first, and my husband and I to take care of her in the hospital. Albeit small and a little cramped, we got a room behind the regular nursery where we took care of Eden for those first few days. We relished every minute in that storage closet!! Living five minutes from the hospital made it easy to come home and get a little rest at night, sweet nights they were with little sleep. Nothing else mattered but getting back to her and looking forward to bringing her home.

She was born on a Monday night, and on Wednesday we planned to come home with her. We got to the hospital early, of course, and were met by a nurse who had a concerned look on her face. Of course my mind went to the adoption, that our birthmom had suddenly changed her mind and we'd never get to see Eden again. Panic had almost taken over when a nurse told us they'd heard a heart murmur while checking her during the night. The pediatrician met us a few minutes later and reassured us she wasn't worried at all, that many babies had murmurs and we shouldn't worry about it. But a cardiology consult had been ordered, and after that we could go home. It was already an emotional day, knowing our birthmom would be leaving the hospital before we did, and that she and her mom would come to see Eden one last time. Boy, was that hard. My heart wasn't prepared for those emotions! Little did I know my heart would take a much greater beating in a few hours....

Finally around 5:30 p.m. the cardiologist arrived and explained to us what he'd be doing. They'd take her downstairs for an ultrasound of her heart and be back in about thirty minutes. We coudn't wait for her to get back since we had everything packed up, ready to go home.

When they didn't come back in almost an hour, we knew something was wrong. Dr H came around the corner to our little room and I saw the look on his face. He immediately said something like, "Your daughter has a heart defect and will need surgery." He went on to explain her condition---a coarctation of the aorta---and how they did the surgery only two places in Louisiana, both in New Orleans. I stupidly thought she could have the surgery here in town! No, she'd be taken by ambulance to N.O. that night and surgery would probably be the next day, with recovery being two weeks. I almost fainted. This could not be happening! But I didn't have much time to stop and cry, as we had to go to the NICU right then where she'd been taken so she could get the drugs that would keep her heart functioning properly until the surgery could repair her little heart.

Walking into the NICU where Eden was already hooked up to needles, tubes, and wires, I lost it. I could barely breathe, but a kind nurse helped me hold her in a rocking chair in the corner. That's when I really cried. Over and over I told her how sorry I was. Our perfect world had just been yanked from under us. I kept thinking about her being in pain and how I couldn't feed her. She had taken her bottle so eagerly and without any trouble, but now she couldn't have anything by mouth until long after the surgery.

Anyway, friends came in and cried with us. Nurses checked her over and over until finally the EMT's from Ochsner's got there to take my sweet baby. I could ride with them, but I would have to sit in the front and I couldn't touch her. I decided to ride with my husband, stopping first at home to get some things. I remember driving home, trying to decide what to bring. Would we stay there? How long would it be? Would she be okay? Was this a nightmare? Why couldn't we just come home with our baby like we planned? What happened to my perfect world?!!!

I walked into the house where our dog, Rowdy, greeted me. I collapsed on the floor, sobbing into his fur and saying, "I can't do this! I just can't do this. I've waited twenty years for a child and this is NOT fair," when I promise you, I heard a distinct voice. "You didn't bring her here." What?  "You didn't bring her here." One more time? "You didn't bring her to this earth or into your life." Okay, breathe, stop sobbing, and calm down a little.  No, a lot. Let this register. Basically what God was telling me was that I'd had no control up to this point---Eden was His child, He had chosen her for us and us for her, He had taken care of all the details so far, and had it under control EVEN NOW. He would give me the grace. Wow! Okay, God. I'll trust You. It won't be easy, but I will. Please show me how.

From that point on I knew everything would be okay. God had reassured me of it with one sentence. I didn't know the outcome, how the surgery would go,  how long we'd be there, or how sick she'd be. But I knew He had it all in His care and plan and that we'd walk this out minute by minute, doing what we needed to do. And we did. There were some scary times, but overall she did great! Major surgery, over a week in intensive care, and finally, home. Dr H told us if we'd brought her home that Wednesday, she probably would have died a few days later. We'd have found her and it would've been  too late. Thank you, Lord, for that nurse who heard the murmur!!

I know I'll worry as a mom. I'll probably have many opportunities to panic and freak out, worrying. But hopefully I'll always remember that life-changing moment on the laundry room floor with one simple sentence, full of grace, from my loving God.

In the NICU before going to N.O.---I had no idea someone was taking a picture!